Turns out a phallic-shaped sex toy looks like a weapon when the “suspicious shape” is detected by an x-ray scanner.
With that, my suitcase was flung open and my saucy device fished out in front of a horde of giggling airport staff and horrified holiday goers.
In that toe-curling moment, I’d suffered an epic fail on my first ever sexual assignation.
While this experience left me blushing not buzzing, it has made me a pro when it comes to planning the ultimate dirty weekend. This week Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle site Goop revealed its must-haves for the perfect bonking break — but at more than £3,300, it doesn’t come cheap.
The five flirtatious fripperies are a £64 massage oil, a £526 feather tickler, non-toxic condoms, vegan lubricant — and a gold-plated vibrator for an eye-watering £2,730.
After dozens of dirty weekends away, I finally know that you don’t need expensive gadgets to get sparks flying, you need meticulous planning.
Key ingredients include everything from the room and destination to the food, and you can definitely do it on a screw-string budget. What’s more, travel insurance is a must for all extreme sports — and that includes fornications.
But it’s not all about the hanky panky.
You don’t want to be cooped up in a castle like Romp-punzel. Bonding with your partner in and out of the bedroom is just as important.
Whether you want to reignite the passion with your long-term partner or seduce a new flame, here we pull the sheets back on how to do the ultimate dirty weekend.
What to DO
DO sext. Phones should be strictly banned while you are away but there’s nothing wrong with giving your lover a taste of what’s to come on your romantic getaway.
In the build-up to your trip, tease one another with naughty messages telling your partner what you’re going to do to them while you’re away.
But once there, switch off your phone and throw yourself into your 48 hours of fun. This break is all about exploring each other, not social media.
Turn off your phone and turn on each other during your daring digital detox.
DO choose the room carefully. You may be lucky enough to be on a dirty weekend but other guests may not.
Be considerate to your neighbours and ask for a room with soundproof walls so you can free your inhibitions.
An en-suite bathroom is also a must.
Not only can you get steamy in the shower but you won’t get caught running naked down the hallway to the shared loo.
DO pick a hotel with a menu full of meals packed with aphrodisiacs and slow-releasing carbs.
A dish such as asparagus risotto would be perfect to get you in the mood and keep you going all night.
You want to be keen to rip each other’s clothes off after supper, not snooze.
Also, pre-book a table tucked away in the corner of the restaurant. Not only can you play footsie under the table but you can talk dirty for dessert.
DO go outside. Dirty weekends are not just about sex. You can stay home and do that.
Whether you’re in a new or old relationship, you want to bond with your partner mentally as well as physically.
Enjoy romantic woodland walks and perhaps a rumble in the jungle should the mood take you, even in these chilly climes.
A hotel with a spa is a great choice, as you can book in for a couple’s massage after all the sexercise. Bliss.
DO pack sensibly. The point of a dirty weekend is to escape reality and indulge in everything you wouldn’t normally do back home. So why not surprise your lover by wearing a naughty outfit and get into role play?
For women who love a guy in uniform, a fireman’s outfit is sure to turn up the heat between the sheets. While for guys, women can dress up as a sexy French maid and take lots of sexy lingerie.
Just be sure to pack “normal” clothes too, so you’re not forced to wear your silly supplies to breakfast. Think thigh-high boots for the bedroom, hiking boots for outdoors.
A trench coat is a great, versatile item to pack. You can “kink it up” by wearing nothing underneath or use it outside to protect you from the winter weather.
DO remember the first-aid sex kit. With any extreme sport you need to be prepared and a weekend packed with adventurous sex is no different.
Whether you’re swinging from chandeliers in your room or indulging in al fresco fun, have the bare essentials on you at all times should the mood arise.
As well as basic plasters and ointment for those passion-fuelled scuffs and scrapes, handcuffs, condoms and lube are vital parts in a first-aid sex kit.
Plus it’s worth taking out travel insurance should one of you injure yourselves while conquering the other.
What NOT to do
Keeping it local? Avoid any chain hotel with “Inn” in its title.
You will enjoy the hashbrowns of a lifetime, sure, but making love in the reflected glow of a Shell garage sign as non-stop traffic hurtles along the nearby M6 is no one’s idea of romance.
DON’T try too hard.
By defining this as a “sex weekend” you might think you should be getting fruity the second you leave home, then feel disappointed if you’re not at it like bunnies 24/7.
But this is about intimacy and reconnecting with your partner as much as fervent frolicing.
So don’t give in to the pressure to be a gold-medal winner in the sextathlon every single moment of your stay. Think quality, not quantity.
DON’T stuff your face just because you’re “on holiday”. Guzzling a curry half an hour before kick-off will not help you re-enact the Korma Sutra.
And you’ll feel more like a kip or some “quiet time” in the bathroom than anything verging on even a fun fumble.
Ditto anything that comes with wedges, onion rings, extra-hot sauce or refried beans.
Naked jiggles after Mexican morsels can lead to repercussions your partner would rather not be privvy to.
DON’T trolley-dash your way around the fancy dress shop.
Although role play is great, emerging from the bathroom wearing little more than a pinny, vintage gas mask and suggestive smile (which he won’t be able to see) will make your weekend hit the skids.
Unless this is how you two regularly get your kicks in which case . . . you OK, hun?
For the rest of us mere mortals, build on a fantasy you’re confident your partner will enjoy.
DON’T bother with any “local attractions” there is a leaflet for in reception.
It’s true you should emerge for vertical fun at some point – but if it’s too educational, swerve it right now.
So ignore the local falconry centre, maize maze or farm machinery museum like your life depended on it.
Visit a single one of these and your genitals will wither like week-old lettuce as your desire evaporates.
DON’T do anything you wouldn’t want to clean up after in your own home.
Hotel staff have a miserable enough life without having to patch up a room you’ve redecorated with chocolate body paint, oils, butter, whipped cream and other unctions too appalling to mention in a family newspaper.
Remember, you will see these people at breakfast the next day.
“I still find time to have sex at night on the beach when no one’s around.”
OR JUST DO IT LIKE A CELEB
- KANYE WEST: “I love Italy and the Italian lifestyle. I came to the banks of the Arno (river in Tuscany) with Kim (Kardashian) last year, just the two of us, incognito. I think our daughter North was conceived here among the Renaissance masterpieces.”
- LADY GAGA: “I still find time to have sex at night on the beach when no one’s around.”
- MARVIN HUMES: “Me and (my wife) Rochelle still get time to be together alone as adults . . . but when you have two kids you have to steal those moments. We try to have breaks as a couple.”
- HEIDI KLUM: “It’s good to make an effort to dress up sometimes, to do things outside of the norm. Some people are more experimental in bed and others are more boring. If you are wild and crazy, bring it on so the other person is well aware that you have little devil horns that come out every once in a while.”
- KIRSTEN DUNST (talking about ex Jake Gyllenhaal): “We tried to spice things up. We had sex in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea. The only place we didn’t have the guts to try was in a walkway in a hotel because we thought we might get kicked out if we were caught.”
- EVA LONGORIA: “I have been tied up with silk scarves. There’s something very sexy about being submissive because your guard is down. You have to totally surrender to something like that.”
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