I am 32, he is 34. We have been together for ten years and have two kids aged eight and six. I confronted him and he told me the girl added him on Facebook and it quickly escalated to online sex and mutual masturbation talk.
Then she tried to blackmail him. He went to the police but didn’t tell anyone. I feel sorry for him but it feels like the final straw.
I’ve found lingerie in his bag that he said was his and I constantly find panties in his bag. My husband is a security guard and usually works nights alone. He gets very bored and says it excites him to pleasure himself while wearing ladies’ underwear.
I then discovered he had a revolting Twitter page showing girls doing the most disgusting things. He was on dating sites too and I found his chats with another girl, telling her how beautiful she is, and she told him how hot he is.
He has pages and pages of porn on his phone, and now this. From the outside people think we are the perfect couple. If only they knew the truth. I get furious every time I find out something more but I’ve never asked him to leave as I don’t want to get questions from everyone.
He is not a weak man and I know he has always been obsessed with me. He cries and makes me feel really sorry for him. He is very good at emotional blackmail.
He acts the big man with his family and would be embarrassed if they knew the truth.I have asked him to give me some space but he texts and calls me in tears to make me feel sorry for him.
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DEIDRE SAYS: YOU must feel so hurt and rejected but your husband seems to genuinely love and want you. He probably sees his behaviour as being totally separate from the relationship he shares with you.
Using pornography and online sex must feel like a great temptation to him during the long, lonely hours he works through the night. But it can be addictive and have a numbing effect on real-life sex. You don’t mention your own sex life and I wonder if that has been affected too.
Don’t give into his blackmail and don’t even consider staying with him unless he commits to therapy to end his addiction and stop his cheating online once and for all. Only think about it when you can see real changes in his attitude and not because of what his family will think.
My e-leaflet Addicted To Sex explains what makes some people especially vulnerable and how to break the pattern.
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