GAIL Muller, 44, is a writer and lives in Falmouth, Cornwall.
She writes: “Sitting in my tent, I felt so overwhelmed, I couldn’t move.
It was August 2021 and I should have been hiking across the US, but after weeks of adrenalin-fuelled activity, I felt like my mind was broken. All I could do was cry.
Growing up in Cornwall, I got bored easily and would read five books at once or leap on a horse without a saddle, constantly looking for stimulation.
My parents just thought I had lots of energy. After puberty hit at 12, I struggled at school.
I was a straight-A student, but I was unable to resist the thrill of danger – acting as lookout for pupils smoking and having my prefect badge revoked for encouraging everyone on stage to dance during a choir performance.
I overanalysed everything, from friends to boys and schoolwork. Then I’d crash, sobbing into my mum’s lap, asking why I felt this way.
She was worried, but thought it must be my hormones.
In 1995 I went to the University of Warwick to study ancient history and classical archaeology, before working as crew on a billionaire’s yacht for six months, then joining film-maker Ridley Scott’s post-production company in London.
My hamster-wheel brain wouldn’t stop, always desperate to start the next project.
I did a PGCE and a government fast-track leadership training programme in 2003, worked in education in the UK, Italy and Hong Kong, then travelled the world as a private tutor for wealthy families.
I had to meticulously plan my days. This gave people the sense that I had things in order, but I felt constantly overwhelmed.
In my 20s and 30s, I had a handful of relationships, but my low boredom threshold meant they didn’t last longer than a few years.
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'I ticked every box'
Every break-up felt catastrophic and it was impossible to explain my devastation to friends and family.
Being in nature was one of the only things that calmed my mind.
In June 2019, I walked the Appalachian Trail in the US for six months, and the freedom was incredible.
When the pandemic hit in 2020, I wrote a book about my trek, Unlost, simply because with lockdown I couldn’t compulsively do 100 other things.
By June 2021, I was itching for an adventure and set off to hike the Continental Divide – a 3,100-mile trail across the US.
Starting at the mountains by the border with Canada, I soon realised I wasn’t mentally strong enough to finish.
Three hundred miles in, in genuine distress, I had to stop. Ditching the trail, I hitch-hiked, rode motorbikes and went shooting with strangers, blowing my trip savings.
Running on adrenalin, I felt untouchable, until I crashed, alone in a tent in Oregon. Shame and misery hit me as I sat there, feeling like a failure.
Needing connection, I posted on Instagram about how I felt. When I received several messages suggesting I might have undiagnosed ADHD, I dismissed them.
But after Googling the condition, I realised I ticked every box. I knew that I needed to go home and investigate.
You have the right to a diagnosis. Discovering the truth about myself has been life-changing.
While I waited six weeks for a private diagnosis, as the NHS list was too long, I read up on how the brains of people with ADHD are like dopamine-seeking machines that need constant stimulation.
I learned about rejection-sensitive dysphoria, which causes perceived rejection to feel devastating to a person with ADHD.
I also found that women often mask their symptoms, which means they’re diagnosed much later than men, if at all, which can lead to increased anxiety and depression.
That October, my psychiatrist said I unquestioningly had ADHD.
My family was blown away, but I felt amazing relief. That was then followed by what felt like grief. I’d made countless life-changing decisions based on my feelings, but was that the ‘real’ me?
I’d assumed I wouldn’t be a good parent as I was always travelling, but I began to wonder if, had I been diagnosed earlier, I might have had a family.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve decided to try the hyperactivity medication Elvanse.
While I wait for that medical regime to begin, I’m learning and taking things slowly. My advice to other women who think they might have ADHD is to talk to your GP.
You have the right to a diagnosis. Discovering the truth about myself has been life-changing.
In future, I want to manage the drawbacks of ADHD but maintain the drive and energy that makes me a great speaker, educator and adventurer. It’s going to be a tightrope, but I’m up for the journey.”
- Unlost: A Journey Of Self-discovery And The Healing Power Of The Wild Outdoors by Gail Muller (£8.99, Thread) is available from Amazon.co.uk
BTW
ADHD is believed to affect at least 1.5 million adults in the UK, but women are less likely to seek treatment.*
Solange Knowles, Paris Hilton and Mel B have all spoken about living with ADHD.
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