ARGUING with your partner or spouse is never enjoyable.
Regardless of what you’re fighting about, these arguments often escalate and leave both parties feeling guilty or hurt.
A psychotherapist and executive coach named Dr. Daryl Appleton said there are a few common mistakes most of us make while arguing that end up escalating the fight.
She also offered ways to avoid these mistakes.
The first mistake: you argue about more than one issue at once.
In the heat of the moment, many of us start bringing up past fights and piling all the things we’re angry about into one sentence.
Dr. Appleton said this prevents a couple from targeting the root of the original issue, and said we should instead focus on one topic and address the other issues at a later time.
If you notice the conversation taking an unrelated turn, call it out and get back on track.
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The second bad habit: you use language that places blame on the other person.
A blame game – saying “you do this and that” – is never fun.
Dr. Appleton said to instead use language that emphasizes how you feel.
Rather than saying “you never listen,” say: “I feel hurt because I don’t feel like I’m being heard.”
The third bad habit: you use generalizing language like “always” and “never.”
Instead of using hyperbolic language that can make your partner feel powerless, focus on what you’re feeling in that moment. Don’t generalize.
The fourth bad habit has to do with our body language: you avoid eye contact or cross your arms.
Behaviors like these signal aggression and tell your partner that you’re not open to a conversation.
Instead, look your partner in the eye and speak with your hands open so that you seem more relaxed.
The fifth mistake: you criticize your partner too harshly.
When we’re angry, we often take that anger and turn it into verbal attacks against our partner’s character, without acknowledging any of their good traits.
Dr. Appleton said the best solution to this is what she calls “the confrontation sandwich.”
Before you deliver a confrontational sentence about your partner’s behavior, you can start by reminding them why you love them. And after you tell them what’s bothering you, you end the sentence by telling them how much you care about working it out.
The sixth bad habit: you begin name-calling and cursing.
This kind of bullying language is not helpful.
“When that happens, it’s a shutdown of communication,” Dr. Appleton said. “You're not fighting about the topic anymore – you're attacking a person's character and you're attacking who they are.”
Instead, when you notice yourself getting worked up, take a break to breathe and relax.
This will help you regroup so you don’t impulsively attack your partner with hurtful words.
The seventh mistake: you fight at the wrong time and place.
Although it can be tempting to argue with your partner as soon as they do the thing that bothers you, it does more harm than good to argue in a space that doesn’t feel private or safe.
Instead, Dr. Appleton said you and your partner should agree on a time and place to work out the issue that doesn’t bring on additional stress.
This waiting will also give you time to reflect and relax before you enter the conversation clear-headed.
The eighth bad habit: you argue when you’re tired or hungry.
We’ve all been sleep-deprived or hangry before.
If you decide to start an argument when you’re not in a level headspace like when you’re drinking, it will likely turn ugly.
Another relationship expert, Dr. Goldman-Wetzler said to consider the theory called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
It states that basic physiological needs should be met before people can pursue more advanced needs like love and belonging.
If you aren’t well-rested, fed, and relaxed, Dr. Goldman-Wetzler said, “you should not be trying to have an argument or a tough conversation.”
The ninth mistake: you continue fighting even when you need a break.
When a conversation turns into a screaming match, it becomes unproductive.
If you get to this point, you need to take a pause and revisit the conversation later.
"There needs to be that communication of, we've realized that this is not going anywhere healthy, we've realized that we do need to talk about it, but let's put parameters in," said Dr. Appleton.
“And I usually suggest for my clients, if you're going to walk away, it cannot be more than 24 hours — you need to address it soon because then it just gets swept under the rug."
The tenth bad habit: you give your partner the silent treatment.
When you shut down like this your partner feels like there is no getting through to you.
Instead, stop focusing on the problems at hand and just try to come up with a collaborative solution.
The last common mistake many of us make is we focus too much on differences.
Instead of emphasizing all the ways you and your partner differ, think intensely about the underlying similarities between the two of you.
“So often it seems like our values are clashing," said Dr. Goldman-Wetzler.
“And when we go a level deeper we discover that our values are much more similar than we realize."
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