AS parents, sometimes it feels like we're always telling our kids'no' or 'stop', particularly when they're young and don't know right from wrong
But it's hard to know how else to discipline our kids without showing some authority over them. Luckily, Fabulous has the answers.
Parenting and behavioural consultant Sophie Boucher-Giles, who founded the Gentle Start Family Consultancy, tells Fabulous that these words are necessary, but there are limitations.
"No and Stop are vital words in order to keep your child safe, which is why every interaction cannot centre around bribery," she says.
"But every second sentence can’t contain a stop, no or don’t or your child becomes desensitised by their frequency."
Try to keep these words to a minimum, Sophie explains, reserved for when you really need the behaviour to stop, rather than when you're just mildly irritated by it.
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Rachel FitzD, a parenting expert and former midwife agrees saying a good option is to mix things up.
"We really don’t want to spend our parenting life refereeing and arbitrating every move our child makes – what we are aiming for in the long run is self-discipline," she explains.
"When we simply resort to using ‘No!’ every single time our child heads towards mischief or makes a request, we can reduce their opportunity to think for themselves."
Instead, try using words like ‘what are you about to do?' or a simple 'Aa-aa!' or 'Hey!' or 'Woah there!'
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"This can be enough to stop a child in their tracks and allow them to ponder for a few seconds," Rachel says.
"If they shoot back with ‘What?’ then you have an opportunity to chat and guide your child towards making a better choice."
Sometimes parents say 'No' in response to a request but it can often become a knee-jerk reaction each and every time.
Often it's more helpful to say things like 'I need to think about that. Let’s chat about it after we have had dinner’.
"This allows you both time to think through all the obstacles and benefits and realities of the request and then negotiate terms you can both agree on," Rachel explains.
Is it ever ok to say these words?
The short answer is yes, of course it is.
Rachel, a regular guest speaker at The Baby Show in London,says: "Never using [them] leaves your child ill-equipped for the real world and more likely to collapse emotionally under the weight of it when their will is eventually well and truly blocked.
"Children cannot know that they have really transgressed unless we tell them and it is also important for them to learn how to say 'No!' and mean it in order to protect themselves in life."
Whichever ‘Stop!’ words you use with your child, Rachel says to be clear, use the right tone of voice, and shove in some context.
And always remember to mix it up and know when to chill.
Other discipline methods to try
In order to stop telling your child 'no' or 'stop', Sophie says you may need to change your own behaviour – here's how.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
When little kids are extremely tired or hungry, theyoften can't process language.
So rather than using lots of words to explain, keep it to five words or less.
Example
Your child wants a biscuit at an inappropriate time and is having a mini-meltdown.
You say: "No. I know you want a biscuit now. We all like biscuits. (empathising is normally good but won’t work here!). But you can’t have a biscuit now because it’s nearly lunch time. If you eat well at lunch and sit nicely, then maybe you can have a biscuit afterwards, but no biscuits now."
"All the child hears is 'Mwah mwah mwah biscuit' and unsurprisingly they renew their demand for a biscuit," she explains.
Instead, stay calm and confident with a warm but firm expression and say something like "lunch then biscuit" .
"A simple message, simply understood, is much easier to accept," she says.
SIT, THINK, ACT
Sophie says: "Children need to learn how to problem solve and practice executive functions (impulse control, critical thinking etc.), so if you have time and the situation isn’t dangerous, approach some issues in a way that will develop this."
Example
Your child is at a soft play and trying to get to the big slide by climbing the outside of the net.
Rather than making demands or telling them how to do it, ask if your child can see a way to get to the slide from the inside.
"Let your child make a plan, and if you can see obvious errors, unless they are dangerous, don’t point them out," Sophie says.
"Using your initiative, trying and adapting are all important parts of growing up."
THE BLAME GAME
Sophie says: "If you keep telling a child they are doing something wrong, or can’t do something exactly right, then you aren’t doing them and their self-esteem and confidence any favours.
"Try to keep your comments less personal at these times."
Example
Your child is doing a jigsaw, yelling in frustration over the right piece that just won’t fit
"Instead of 'stop yelling, you can’t do it like that, it won’t fit,'try 'that puzzle looks pretty tricky. Can I play too?", Sophie explains.
But instead of taking over or just doing it for them, offer them guidance.
"Suggestion and teamwork will help the child to take over and successfully fit the piece."
SAFETY STOPS AND FREEZE
Sophie says: "Don’t take unnecessary risks with toddlers and small children.
"No matter how often you’ve done the safety talk and how easily they can parrot back phrases to you, it does not mean that they always understand."
You can minimise danger by having a few non-negotiable rules about how to behave when out and about.
But things will still happen, says Sophie who suggests playing the 'Freeze' game.
She explains: "‘Stop’ may not work for some families if the word has been overused in lots of contexts before.
"At home and in the garden, if you have one, practice a version of Musical Statues whereby the child runs about and has to stop and stand stock still as soon as they hear the word 'Freeze."
The key here is to make it fun and praise success. Then try it out in a safe space at the park or playground to make sure the lesson is ingrained.
"Hopefully, should your child ever dash out of reach in an unsafe space, you’ve just bought yourself an extra layer of prevention," she says.
DISTRACT BY EMPHASISING THE POSITIVE
Sophie explains: "If you see your child about to spill a drink, for example, carrying it precariously, try to suggest in a subtle way how they could act differently, rather than pointing out what they are doing wrong.
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"The minute you say 'Stop, no, don’t hold it like that, you’ll spill it', you are putting into your child’s head exactly what they could do if they wanted to."
Instead, try something like, 'I think it’s so clever when you hold the cup with two hands, that’s what daddy does with his tea!'.
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