Young Ronald Bond, trainee cyber spy at the Australian Signals Directorate, is into his third cup chai latte, days before the federal budget, when a commanding voice enters his consciousness.
“Bond, it’s P and I have an urgent task,” booms the voice, apparently routed through one of the 23 giant code-streaming screens surrounding Ronald’s secret listening post.
The federal government is spending nearly $10 billion on fighting cyber warfare.Credit:Jamie Brown
“But sir,” protests Ronald. “I have ears on the subject Concetta and I’m getting strong indications she is nearing a serious eruption of some sort.”
“Drop it, Pimples. We need you to investigate a matter of critical importance to our existence.”
Ronald, who fervently wishes someone would dub him 007 rather than Pimples, realises he has no idea who P might be. He scrolls fast through the ASD’s encrypted staff directory. There it is: “P: Director of Creative Marketing”.
“Sir, I apologise. I wasn’t aware we had a creative marketing division,” says Ronald.
“Of course not. This is a top-secret organisation, for pity’s sake,” roars P.
“Look, our agents up the hill advise our masters are about to drop a satisfying $10 billion into our laps on budget night. But we don’t have a proper brand name for what we do.”
“Isn’t it cyber warfare, sir? Against China?”
“Good lord. Don’t they teach you anything at Spook School? Don’t mention the war, Pimples!
“Anyway, operatives from sister agencies have alerted me that some exciting brand names are under development at a small division of Women’s Affairs or whatever they’re called across the lake.
“Your task is to get over there, have a snoop around and find out how this stuff works.
“We will not have our minister standing around on budget night with our 10 billion bucks burning a hole in his pocket and no memorable and preferably spine-chilling title to slap on it to prove to the Prime Minister he understands marketing is everything in this world. Hop to it, boy.”
Ronald, taking a lingering glance at the screen featuring a forest of red exclamation marks around the subject Concetta, douses himself in Old Spice aftershave and takes an electric scooter to Women’s Central in one of the larger departments.
He scouts nervously, peering through windows until he finds himself taken firmly by the collar.
“Are you spying on us?” demands a young woman in a lycra gym outfit.
Ronald breaks down, realising he will never be a double-0 in the field, and spills the beans about his mission.
Ms Lycra softens at the pimply boy’s confession, and introduces him to the Women’s Inventive Budgetry Projects Team.
The trick, they explain, is to know your audience. Their audience is made up of cheapskates, but being women, they are accustomed to that.
Professionals all, they’d created some rippers for Budget night.
The Women Building Australia Program was a straightforward idea to persuade women to consider becoming chippies and brickies.
It had been acclaimed by the chaps of the Master Builders Association, even if it was worth just $2.3 million over six years, so they’d moved on.
The more daring Women of Steel project was to get young women thinking about apprenticeships in fitting and turning, welding and steel things. Worth just $1.2 million over three years, it had senior (male) bureaucrats applauding and ministers clamouring to announce it.
The Women in Boots initiative was the sensation.
A whole (male) team of departmental deputy secretaries seemed close to ecstasy at the title, especially when they learned the initiative would cost just $800,000 over three years to support unemployed women in Tasmania to don boots and get into agriculture, rail, mining and quarrying.
Young Ronald finds himself illuminated.
But what is his audience?
“Pretend macho men,” advises Ms Lycra. “Acronyms for you lot. Jumble letters together and produce something that means nothing but sounds aggressive, and possibly terrifying.”
Which is how Ronald Bond, trainee cyber spy, had his computers create the Australian Signals Directorate’s brand new brand in time for a $10 billion budget announcement.
REDSPICE.
Truly.
It’s the splendidly meaningless acronym for “Resilience, Effects, Defence, Space, Intelligence, Cyber, Enablers.”
Accompanied by a hint of Red China with a whiff of aftershave, Ronald likes to think.
And the alert on Concetta Fierravanti-Wells?
Too late. The eruption would quite ruin budget night.
Jacqueline Maley cuts through the noise of the federal election campaign with news, views and expert analysis. Sign up to our Australia Votes 2022 newsletter here.
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