In Lalalaletmeexplain 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I fully understand that I might be the pr*ck here. I’ve just ghosted someone for the first time, but I didn’t know what else to do. We met on Hinge but after speaking for a little while she said she wasn’t sure about dating and was leaving the app but would like to talk on WhatsApp as I seemed nice, and we could at least be friends. I was actually happy with this as I felt that was more the connection I’d felt from our conversations. After a few days of messaging she stopped, then reappeared a couple of weeks later suggesting that I tag along on a dog walk, again, she said as friends. We met up four more times after that for dog walks, and the last time we had a BBQ on the beach. There was never any romance, no flirtation or physical affection. Then one night I got a bunch of drunken messages and voice notes asking for my validation.
It took me by surprise a little, but I wasn’t able to listen to the voice notes or reply fully because I was with my son. I sent a short message explaining I was out and that I’d listen later. Some of the content was her making it clear that she thought we had a strong romantic connection. I explained that I thought she was a really nice person and really fun to be with, but I made it clear that I think this is a ‘friends only’ situation, I told her that I understood if she didn’t want to be friends though. Over the next couple of days, I received tons more messages from her, I was trying to be short but kind in response. A week or so later, she reached out and said she did want to be friends and suggested that we meet up. I was working away that week but said I’d reach out.
I haven’t reached out yet as I’ve had no free time to, but this weekend she messaged saying that she felt that I’d ghosted her by not reaching out already and that wasn’t ‘friendly’ behaviour. I didn’t reply because I wanted to talk to my friend about how to reply in the kindest but clearest way to say I don’t want to see her again. All the messages have put me off, and I’ve also started dating again, but I didn’t tell her yet. She’s now sent a final message saying that I’m awful because I ghosted her and that I’m ‘full of sh*t.’ I’ve now blocked her. But am I a pr*ck? Or is it best that I keep her blocked for both our sakes?
Lala says,
No, you’re not a pr*ck and it’s definitely best to keep her blocked. It sounds like you’ve dealt with this in the kindest and most patient way possible. You’ve been thoughtful, you’ve sought advice from your friend. You’ve told her clearly that you just want to be mates. The problem here is not you, the problem here is that from the very start things were complicated by the fact that she seems to have been playing games. It appears as though she was feigning disinterest in romance in an attempt to make you more interested, and from that point the two of you were experiencing two completely different realities. A friendly BBQ with a pal to you was a romantic date to her.
I reckon that if she’d written to me, it would’ve said something like:
‘I met a guy. I’ve been hurt a lot in the past, but he seemed different, he was up for taking it slow. We had a crazy connection and began seeing each other regularly for dates. He never made a move on me which I appreciated the first few dates, but when we had a romantic BBQ on the beach and he still didn’t try to kiss me, it made me feel insecure. I decided to text him to ask where I stand and for some validation that he finds me attractive, and he was rude and off with me and then said he just wanted to be friends. We agreed to be friends but then his messaging dried up and he basically ghosted me, which he denies, and then when I called him out on his behaviour, he blocked me. Why would he suddenly change like this after four dates when our connection was so strong?’
And you know, her truth is valid. My guess is that she got a bit infatuated with you and heard your words in the way she wanted to hear them – she heard let’s be friends as ‘good marriages start with friendship’. A man being kind to her without sexual or romantic intentions may have felt unfamiliar to her, which is a sad reality for many women. She definitely misinterpreted things, but can we blame her when dating is so confusing and a man being willing to see you four times and have a beach BBQ is a rare place to get to these days? She didn’t handle the confusion well though. She blamed you for her disappointment and ended up coming across as a bit unhinged on voice notes. I’ve been that girl, so it’s interesting to read this from the perspective of the ‘ghoster’. Though I don’t think you actually ghosted, ghosting would be disappearing without a word. You blocked her because she continued to send rude messages. I’d recommend for anyone to do the same if someone isn’t getting the message.
You don’t owe her friendliness or friendship at this point; she’s been bombarding you with messages and you’re not obligated to give your energy to it. You did your best. You made it clear to her that romance wasn’t on the cards, but she continued to send accusatory texts. In future I’d recommend being really clear with ‘friends’ you meet on dating apps to make sure that everyone knows where they stand.
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