If you’ve ever been ghosted after one date, then Dr Angela Anhola is here to help. She’s the author of 100 Dates – and as the title of her book suggests, she went out with that many different men to research the key to romantic success.
According to her extensive research, the way we text can increase our chances of finding love. Your texts need to “express what kind of person you are: a positive, ambitious, confident individual who gets the job done,” says Dr Angela.
“Keep the language positive, and use words that express joy, enthusiasm and determination, regardless of whether you’re sharing your accomplishments, planning your date, talking about your great day, or even just expressing how thankful you are for all the good things in your life.
“The feeling that maybe life isn’t quite so bad after all is infectious.”
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Here are her key three texting rules – and what not to say – to help secure that follow up date…
Use goal-orientated questions
The whole point of texting early on is about stirring up those dates. But there are some real dead-end approaches here, like: ‘Want to hang out sometime?’ or ‘I’m free all weekend.’ Good luck with non-invitations like that.
Have a plan, something like this: ‘Are you up for dinner on Thursday – remember, that cool little Vietnamese place we talked about?’ Showing your decisive and goal-oriented side is attractive.
Coming up with something unexpected, unique, or even a little exclusive creates memories. A coffee is great, but even better if you know a place that does the best pastries. You can make it more memorable than just coffee.
Be humorous
If you’re going to be relying on your sense of humour, check that it’s coming across. Is it obvious that your little ‘textual’ innuendo is meant to be funny? Referring back to previous dates tends to work. Try to ‘read the room’ first if you’re edging towards the provocative. Don’t push your humour too far, and remember that not everything is a joke.
Chucking a ‘Ha ha!’ into every text is not good. Imagine if you wrote, ‘I really enjoy talking to you’ and then added a laughing emoji – that would be a confusing message.
Show positivity and passion for life
‘Remember that work presentation I talked about? I just knocked it out of the park! Just wanted to spread the good news. Hope you’re having a great day too!’ A message like that reflects a passion for life. In 2012, Stony Brook University released a paper revealing that individuals who tackle life with energy and enthusiasm are much more likely to enjoy better relationships.
So if you want more passion in your relationship, then put your emotional energy into your interests, work, or political activities. And the texting errors to avoid…
Long messages
These are turn-offs – people get bored, frustrated or distracted.
A passive-aggressive tone or angry messages
'If that’s what you want’ or ‘OK, so you had time to get drunk with Julio and Mike, but you didn’t have time to meet me?’
Dead ends
Texts like this make you look negative or envious. We’re human, and we get prickly or piss each other off sometimes, sure. A common concern is feeling under-prioritised too. But try to keep your frustrations to yourself, and by no means respond passive-aggressively. Take a break from contacting this person. Cool down and collect your own thoughts. Your feelings are your feelings, but you won’t gain anything by lashing out. Showing that you’re understanding, patient, and optimistic is the best way to turn this ship around.
Predictable or boring texts
When people write in their bios what they’re looking for, have you ever seen anyone list ‘Boredom’? You’ll get to know each other and have a boring time once in a while later on, but that’s then, not now. Maybe creativity isn’t your thing, so here’s a trick: take notes. You can get tips from your friends, or jot down little ideas you get randomly during the day, and then see to it that your texts aren’t predictable or repetitive. If you can pull this off, then your date will get excited every time your name pops up on their phone.
Confusion
People need to understand you. For instance, what does this mean: ‘Meet up or tomorrow?’ Umm… Are you making plans, or have I forgotten them? Remember the CD FLIP rule (Check, Details, Funny Laughter, Illustrate, Positivity) and only send the text once you’re sure it’ll be understood. Otherwise it might look like you don’t care.
Jealous or inappropriate texts
There are all kinds of inappropriate texts. Some of the more sensitive themes revolve around former relationships, money, political views, medical issues or religion. If you’re jealous and you show it, you won’t get very far. You can discuss certain sensitive topics when meeting IRL but when you’re texting, keep things light and positive.
Overtexting
Try to stick to a 1:1 ratio – you write him, then he writes you, you write him, he writes you . . . You see the pattern, right? Patience isn’t just a virtue, in dating it’s a golden aura. And the best thing? Everyone has patience – all you have to do is wait!
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