I'm a woman who loves sex – that should not make me a 'slut'

I am sure many people will think me crazy for sharing this but I crave sex – I want it morning, noon and night – and always have. 

Now in my thirsty 30s, I feel hornier than ever and I should not feel ashamed to admit it. But, sometimes, I do. 

My bisexuality has often seen me labelled as ‘attention-seeking’ and the reactions I get from both friends and lovers can be hurtful – even worse when I share the truth about my high sex drive. 

Yet, it isn’t a difficult subject for men – in fact, it’s expected that men typically want a lot of sex. No one is shocked by that.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be seen as trying to dodge sex or seek ways to give their libidos a boost. But what happens when a woman wants more sex than the man she’s with? It’s the story of my life!

My sexual feelings have been revved all the way up as long as I can remember.

I had sex at 14 – I thought giving away my virginity would make me feel cool and sexy. It didn’t. Instead, I was branded as a slut when the information made its way around my school, and I felt ashamed. And angry.

It felt so unfair that it was OK for men to be dirty but it wasn’t for women. 

My self-worth plummeted but it didn’t lower my sex drive. Throbbing with desire, I sometimes masturbated several times a day, lusting after a partner.

Far from what some might consider ‘a slut,’ I was a serial monogamist. I went from one committed relationship to the next feeling less and less wanted all the time because my drive increased while theirs lessened.

I felt that if my partner didn’t want to have sex with me, it meant that they didn’t want me at all – they didn’t love me. My anxiety rocketed.

Occasionally, I’d meet someone who seemed like they would be able to keep up with me, but frequent sex of once or twice a day soon dwindled and we’d eventually split. 

Sex certainly isn’t the most important thing to me, but it is near the top of my list. 

I cannot bear to be in a relationship where sex only occurs once a week but I’m told that’s normal. It sounds torturous to me. I’d rather be single and not have sex at all than be in a relationship where it’s readily available but withheld for whatever reason.

Excuses like ‘I’m tired/have a headache’ or ‘I’m too busy/not in the mood’ do not make sense as, to my mind, sex fixes all of those things – for me, it’s medicinal. 

I remember the first time a guy I was really serious about turned me down – the rejection hit hard. He was the one in control; the one with the power. As our long-term relationship progressed, I wanted sex more and more while his interest fell.

As a bisexual, I have found little difference between male and female relationships. It all seems hot and heavy in the beginning, but over time, their sexual appetite slackens while mine remains steady or even intensifies. 

Sex and love are linked – I not only want it for the positive release but for the connection and intimacy. Sometimes I think that sex is my love language, not just physical touch but actual sex – I communicate through lovemaking. 

But my high sex drive is a particularly large factor in all my failed relationships. I need it more than them, so we end up disconnected and, eventually, parting ways.

The social pressure for women to balance out ‘keeping their partners happy’ versus ‘not being a slut’ is a constant and insidious issue

Sex not only feels good but it calms my stress levels – it’s essential to boost my self-esteem and pump me full of endorphins and dopamine – it doesn’t get tiring or feel redundant. 

I have often wondered if am I a sex addict – do I have a chemical imbalance? Have I got some underlying issue or repressed childhood trauma?

Or, am I just someone who likes a lot of sex? Does there really need to be something ‘wrong’ with me to explain it?

Despite the accepted belief that men want sex more often than women, recent studies have shown that men in relationships are as likely as women to be the member of a couple with the lower level of sexual desire. Lisa Diamond, a US professor of psychology and gender studies concluded that, ‘Women don’t have lower sexuality than men. What they have are more variable patterns.’

I read articles all the time about how to increase your libido as a woman but rarely how to manage or lower it. The social pressure for women to balance out ‘keeping their partners happy’ versus ‘not being a slut’ is a constant and insidious issue.

A guy once told me that, because he knew I wanted sex so much, it took ‘the chase out’ for him. It made me feel as if our relationship was just a game to him. While I was expressing my love for him, he was getting bored with me.  

It feels like a battle I’ll continue to have all my life, but I am convinced that I am not the only woman in this predicament. There have not been enough conversations around it. I believe that spreading awareness is key so women no longer feel embarrassed by their sexual needs.

Higher and lower sex drives need to be openly discussed and accepted without derision – I try not to belittle anyone who cannot ‘keep up’ with me as I know it all boils down to compatibility long term. I just haven’t found ‘the one’ for me, yet.

But I want to say loud and proud that I am not a slut or ‘just seeking attention’ – the truth is that male and female sex drives vary over time. Mine just never seems to wane. 

There are times when I wish I could simply lower my sex drive, however, I know that I shouldn’t feel shame for my feelings and desires. I love who I am and know I am worthy of receiving the same love that I give. 

I am determined to talk about this honestly rather than suffer in sex-starved silence any more – for myself and the other women like me who should not feel ashamed of their desires.

The Truth Is…

Metro.co.uk’s weekly The Truth Is… series seeks to explore anything and everything when it comes to life’s unspoken truths and long-held secrets. Contributors will challenge popular misconceptions on a topic close to their hearts, confess to a deeply personal secret, or reveal their wisdom from experience – good and bad – when it comes to romance or family relationships.

If you would like your share your truth with our readers, email angela.pearson@metro.co.uk.

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