DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife went away for a “spa weekend” with her cousin but came home with nipple tassels and black fluffy handcuffs.
I made the discovery as I rooted around in her weekend bag, searching for a phone charger.
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Now I’m convinced she’s having an affair with an old school friend who has been sniffing around her for months.
My wife is 31 and I’m 34. We got married five years ago but don’t have the best relationship.
She’d love a baby but we argue so much we rarely have sex and I don’t know if it’s such a good idea.
We’ve talked about separating but neither of us is ready to give up.
Recently, when we were discussing breaking up, she mentioned an ex-boyfriend from school.
He was her first serious romance and apparently he’s got in touch again. She was open about their messages, which was fine.
But when she admitted he’d suggested meeting, I hit the roof.
I could see she was serious about seeing him again. Backtracking, she told me she was making it up to see if I still cared and insisted she had no intention of seeing him.
Feeling suspicious, I had a look at her messages and found explicit messages between my wife and this guy, also 31, with photos that left little to the imagination.
I didn’t tell her what I’d found but let it fester for a few days.
We then argued about our sex life yet again, and she told me she was going to her cousin’s for a weekend away. I didn’t protest as I thought it would do us good.
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But when she returned, I found the sex accessories.
What hurts most is that she’s never suggested using anything like that with me. I don’t know where to go from here.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Unless she’s planning an S&M session with you and bought the items while on her weekend away, then yes, I’m afraid it does suggest she’s hiding something.
You’ve been at breaking point but rather than sorting it out with you, she’s seeking attention elsewhere and you have let it happen.
What’s gone wrong? Do you take one another for granted? Do you no longer have the same interests or enjoy each other’s company? Ask yourself what is the main reason for the breakdown is.
Find a moment to tell her you both need help to decide whether you should stay together or separate.
Contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300) to find local support.
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