Written by Meg Walters
As a new study shows, reconnecting with old friends can be more meaningful than you thought.
However much we love the idea of lifelong friends, the truth is, we lose touch with friends all the time. Whether it’s graduating from university, moving to a new city or getting a new job, there are plenty of reasons why friends can drift apart. And once you’ve drifted, it can be hard to build up the courage to reconnect.
But while that text or email might fill you with anxiety, chances are, your old friends will appreciate it more than you know. In fact, according to a new study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology from researchers in Pittsburgh, New Jersey and Kansas, when we make the effort to reach out to old friends, they appreciate our efforts far more than we expect them to.
What happened in the study?
Researchers set out to find out how we respond to our friends’ messages. They found that the more unexpected the message – whether it be an email, text or phone call – the more appreciative we are.
The researchers began by asking participants to think back to the last time they reached out to a friend “just because”. Then, they asked them to recall a time that someone else had contacted them in a similar way. They found that the vast majority of people feel very appreciative when friends contact them – but, at the same time, fail to recognise the impact of their own messages.
In other words, even though we love receiving messages out of the blue from old friends, we still assume that our own friends won’t appreciate our messages in the same way.
The researchers were interested to discover that one factor affected the level of appreciation more than anything else – the element of surprise.
“We found that people receiving the communication placed greater focus than those initiating the communication on the surprise element, and this heightened focus on surprise was associated with higher appreciation,” lead author Peggy Liu, PhD, of the University of Pittsburgh told the American Psychological Association. “We also found that people underestimated others’ appreciation to a greater extent when the communication was more surprising, as opposed to part of a regular communication pattern, or the social ties between the two participants were weak.”
Reaching out is worth it
It can be daunting to reach out to someone who you haven’t spoken to in a while. However, thanks to this new study, you can rest easy knowing that your old friend will probably be happier to receive your message than you think.
“I sometimes pause before reaching out to people from my pre-pandemic social circle for a variety of reasons,” said Liu. “When that happens, I think about these research findings and remind myself that other people may also want to reach out to me and hesitate for the same reasons.
“I then tell myself that I would appreciate it so much if they reached out to me and that there is no reason to think they would not similarly appreciate my reaching out to them.”
It really is the perfect time to reach out – no excuses needed.
Images: Getty
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