LOUISE Thompson has given a detailed account of her experience with PTSD after she almost died giving birth to son Leo-Hunter.
The former Made In Chelsea star took to Instagram yesterday to share a lengthy post about her mental health following the traumatic birth in November, which left her in hospital for a month.
The 31-year-old explained she is suffering from "depressive panic episodes" that leave her "unable to function" and revealed she spent New Year's Day in A&E.
Louise wrote alongside a sweet photo of her cuddling up to the little: "Trigger warning: PTSD My experience so far… I can only write when I am not having a depressive panic episode and luckily right now I am not.
"My panic episodes can last hours or days and are totally unpredictable.
"When I'm having one I can't function, I can't look after myself, let alone anyone else around me. I can't even spell my name. I can't see, I can't hear, I can't look anyone in the eye."
Adding: "They have got so bad that I have convinced myself that I'm going crazy.
"I feel depersonalisation, hyper paranoia as if I've taken a million and one drugs and I feel like I'm stuck in another realm. I am not myself. If my mind can't find a physical problem then it will attach itself to a mental one."
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"The other night I thought my head was actually going to explode open because my internal dialogue was so wild and overwrought. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were blood shot.
"I don't know whether the mental causes the physical or the other way around, but things seem to be getting worse. If it was a permanent state, I don't think I would be here."
CRIPPLING PTSD
Louise also explained that the crippling diagnosis has left unable to plan her days because her episodes are so unpredictable.
"It's frustrating that I can't predict them because it means I can't plan anything," she continued. "Every day is so uncertain.
"What is certain is that I'm not thinking about anything negative, in fact I'm doing everything I can to try not to spiral… but my subconscious thinks that I'm dying all the time.
"I think I have boxed my experiences up and buried them, but they are coming back to haunt me. ALL THE TIME.
"My body and mind are in constant fight or flight mode and I quite literally will be triggered by anything. The other day I looked in the mirror and noticed that the underside of my tongue was blue. I thought I was dying."
DAILY TRIGGERS
The fitness influencer also detailed her triggers, which include mornings, and said she is suffering from a plethora of physical symptoms such as pain, dizziness, fainting, temperatures and nausea.
However, she reflected on how far she had come in her recovery, evolving from worrying about "savage internal infections" and "scary blood tests results" to now being concerned about fatigue and memory loss.
"I spent New Year's Day back in A&E and once again godbless the nhs for looking after me," she shared. "But I need to remember that I've still come so far.
"Things were actually a lot worse. It doesn't feel like it now but they were. Before I was worrying about savage internal infections and scary blood test results, now I'm worrying about fatigue and memory loss.
"The trends are moving in the right direction and I'm weaned off all my meds. I'm not even taking sleeping pills anymore because I'm worried about the psychogenic effects. I really want to be clean.
"When I have one full good day I celebrate it, but I'm actually scared about what is going to come next."
Louise, who welcomed her son with partner Ryan Libbey, finished her post by reaching out to anyone who has also been "trapped in this world of PTSD".
She shared: "I know that everyone's experience is different. In fact please don't comment anything unless it is resoundingly positive because I'm not sure I can handle it right now.
"If you are struggling with mental health problems, know that you are not alone. We are all in this together. Life can be a real beauty and a real tough b**** too.'
If you have been affected by the topics raised in this story please contact Birth Trauma Association for more information at birthtraumaassociation.org.uk
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