Every morning on the train, I see every fashion faux pas I’ve ever made

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I’ve got a teenage daughter, so naturally she has TikTok. I don’t, but I did watch it for about five minutes. It was fantastic. Its algorithm was even showing stuff I didn’t care about, like cute and funny animals, crafty stuff and cooking hacks. OK, I don’t mind two of those things. Either way, my brain was cooked through concentrated stimulation of one great video after another.

I’ve recently transitioned back to public transport to commute to the city for work and find it, too, a stimulant frenzy. Public transport, for those not on their phones or books, is like a very real TikTok. The key difference is its algorithm is dedicated to people’s fashion choices for work or education.

I wonder if TikTok has a public transport people-watching setting. In 20 minutes, I get to relive all my fashion faux pas and/or successes.

Commuters at Southern Cross Station in Melbourne.Credit: Paul Rovere

I look at older people and wonder when the right time to stop wearing ironic T-shirts would be. Can a 50-year-old wear green-and-red limited-edition Nike Air Force 1 trainers or should they be shades of brown and grey?

I have a problem wearing Blundstones. I like them because they’re convenient and comfortable. My issue is that the pull tabs tend to stick out because my jeans or trousers are too short. A friend once sledged me, asking: “Have you grown since you last wore those pants?” So, there are many a pull tab showing, but just like embracing a weakness can turn it into a strength, commuters have rolled up their pants. Genius.

The carriage doors act like my feed of observing a cross-section of strangers who’ve been out of their house less than 30 minutes. This is the best we’ll look all day. I see in others all the small things that I’ve failed to do at various times. Shirts unironed, or poorly fitted, or polka-dotted. How big is too big for dots and how many?

The commute can be a great place to check out people’s fashions.Credit: Jason South

Then there are old shirts that need to be thrown out but make it back into the washing and back in rotation. Or favourite T-shirts. No one knows the personal journey I’ve had with that sky-blue tee with a burning paper plane that I found at an artists’ market. They don’t even exist any more! It says so much without saying anything, except it has a little hole in the neckline.

But then there’s the success stories. Perfectly fitting and matched shirts, pants, dresses, skirts and shoes. One woman has three shades of beige, including a bag, with royal blue jacket. Nailed it. Additionally, even though goth is not my genre, the textured and layered fabrics are different and the same, but when done well, timeless. Her make-up is perfect shadowed white with dark eyeliner.

Another train stop and I scroll through various denims. Some successes are black stonewash, ripped 501s, super baggy. Tick, tick, tick and tick. Conversely, those times when I bought a too-light-coloured denim, too tight for my thighs or too loose on the hip, which meant I had to use a belt like a drawstring. Again, these examples are in my very carriage.

Smart casual has taken over and even the use of colour proliferated. Women can really lift their outfit with a sports jacket and leather shoes or trade out the jacket and work an open shoe.

The proportion of men’s shirts leans towards untucked. It’s funny that being unkempt shifts one from formal to smart casual. Suits? Certainly. Nothing remarkable. A few stripes.

This real life TikTok hasn’t told the private school kids that ties and blazers are no longer necessary. However, it has banned activewear, which would run rife in the suburban cafes, shopping strips and school drop-offs feed. I can’t spot one black or patterned active-wear participant. I do see some well-fitted tracksuits, or the minimalist puffer jacket with shorts and shirt.

Headphones allow everyone to tune out so that a minority of people can actually take calls on the train and no one seems bothered. My live feed brought in a couple of women who are doing impressions of work colleagues, for example, “What’s up with that guy? It’s like he’s had eight short blacks …” sort of a thing. Then she speaks like him. To be honest, it is good material. But no one is listening because they are all tuned into their own digital lives.

I see a friend two seats away. Woollen knit, polite checked shirt etc. I see him in the reflection of the window and don’t entertain the thought of engaging with him. But then I text him and he admits to noticing me, too, but wasn’t going to say anything either. He says he is loving a podcast about being resilient. Figures. I agree that he should focus on that aspect of his life, but our communication is several texts and then it finishes. He goes back to his podcast, and I go back to my public transport TikTok.

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