In Lalalaletmeexplain 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
A guy I was mates with in my university days through my boyfriend at the time (I'm now 30), got back in touch about six months ago persistently asking to take me on a date. We’ve both been in other serious relationships, but now were single and in London, I wanted to explore the chemistry that we’d always had.
I eventually agreed to a date. He took me for drinks and was very charming, very affectionate and engaging in conversation. On the date we were kissing a lot, and he said he already can't wait to do this again, planning a date for two days later and saying he felt very giddy around me. We ended up getting very drunk and I woke up at his place the next morning with no memory, but he told me that his housemate had walked in on us getting intimate in the living room.
We slept together again in the morning, but I left about 7am. He was begging me to stay and have breakfast with him, but I wanted to get home to shower. I text him in the cab and then… HE GHOSTED ME! He hasn’t even opened the message, no text, no second date as planned. It’s been two weeks now and I’m genuinely shocked as he wanted me to stay the next day!
Is it the flat mate thing? Did that make him think I was a ‘sl*g’? After a few days, I sent him a short but polite text that simply said that ghosting after sex at this age is so weird, and that I didn’t expect a response but wanted him to know that it was wrong because we were friends. He read it and then hours later I saw a reply pop up, but I didn’t read it. Two minutes later he unsent the message. Help me to make it make sense!
Lala Says,
The anxiety that this kind of ghosting leaves you with is second to none. I can imagine that you were tied to your phone for days, jumping at every notification, looking at mutual friend’s socials to see if anyone had written an RIP post for him anywhere. When it’s completely unexpected and you’re blindsided in that way it’s gutting. It’s the not knowing why that makes it so hard. It makes us fill in our own gaps and we so often either fill them in too negatively – ‘It must be because he doesn’t fancy me, he thinks I was cr*p in bed’ or too positively ‘it must be because he’s overwhelmed by his feelings, he is too shy to reply’. And the worst thing is that we will probably never find out, it could truly be anything. His behaviour might indicate that he’s not single. Maybe the flat mate gave him a talking to about messing around with other women. Maybe the flat mate is someone you’ve slept with before – did you see them? It could be ANYTHING.
Another possible one, that is nasty and completely rooted in misogyny, is that it could have been a bit of one up-manship on his old university pal. You were dating someone from his social circle, and he probably fancied you the whole time. The male ego is an interesting and often fragile thing, some of them like to boost theirs by competing with other men. Sleeping with that guy’s ex all the years later may be seen as a win. He’s probably always thought that he’d like to sleep with you, so maybe it’s a case of ‘fantasy fulfilled, on to the next’ with no regard for how you might feel.
Sometimes our ‘friendships’ with men aren’t really friendships, but before the platonic friendship community comes for me – of course many people do have them, but sometimes our ‘friends’ are having thoughts about the best way to get us into bed. I think he’s clearly shown you that he wasn’t your friend. Or maybe because you had a friendship, that is what’s making it harder for him to explain, maybe he does have a partner and doesn’t know how to say it because he doesn’t want to be that guy, maybe he’s feeling guilty. But all of this is speculation, the only person who really knows is him.
The worst thing about ghosting is the not knowing – but knowing why doesn’t actually hurt any less and you don’t need to know why for closure. But I think he should be taken to task. This is a proper di**head move and I think you should have expected a response. I’d ask what it was that he replied and deleted. You probably won’t get an answer, but you also have nothing to lose. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pops back up with his tail between his haunted legs at some point in the future, ghosters often return from the dead as zombies. Unless he’s been in a coma, I’d be extremely cautious about accepting an excuse. Two weeks of no contact and two no replies to your texts following six months of persistently chasing you is cruel, and he knows how you must be feeling. He absolutely knows.
He’s not the person you thought he was and that’s a lesson. You based him on who he was a decade ago and dived straight in expecting him to be the same. You had a fun one-night stand, and at the time it was a great ego boosting night, even though you didn’t want or expect it to be a one night only thing. You’re right to think that his actions are embarrassing for a man of his age, I hope you get the ick from that. People who behave like this aren’t great in relationships so it’s no loss. Ultimately the best thing you can do is block, delete, move on, and remember that you are a spectacular buff ting, his reason for doing this won’t be one that is shared by every other man you meet.
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