DEAR DEIDRE: The love of my life is begging me for a threesome I don’t want – and the other person he has in mind is trans.
We have been together for 23 years and have two children. I’m a woman of 49 and he is 53. We have a good relationship and a good sex life.
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He has always loved watching porn and we often enjoy adult movies together. But recently he has strayed towards trans porn, which I have no interest in.
Now he is fixated on having that sort of experience. I’m panicking because I don’t like sharing.
Over the past couple of months, he has kept bringing up his request. I always turn him down but he won’t let it rest.
He says he won’t leave me and insists he isn’t gay but says he needs to experience sex with someone trans “just once”.
I’ve tried convincing him this is only a fantasy and he needs to move on from it.
I must be rubbish in bed because I obviously don’t interest him any more. I know sex with just one person for 20 years can be boring and I don’t think I look that great. He has been unfaithful twice before, with different women.
I don’t want to lose him and wish I could simply go along with his fantasy but I can’t face it.
Now he has asked that as I won’t join him for this threesome, I allow him to have sex with a man so he can “get it out of his system”.
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He says he doesn’t want to be unfaithful again but I feel trapped.
If I let him go ahead I’m convinced I’ll lose him. If I don’t give it my blessing, I think he’ll go ahead and do it anyway. I’m in bits.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Let’s be very clear that no one should do anything sexually they are not totally comfortable with.
Please do not blame yourself for your partner’s urges. These have nothing to do with any inadequacy on your behalf.
I can tell you have very low self-esteem. Your boyfriend’s past infidelities and appetite for this type of porn are seriously undermining your confidence.
Your boyfriend could well be addicted to porn, which is now starting to seriously affect your relationship.
Please talk to him and explain how his demands are risking your relationship and family life.
He can get support for his porn addiction and I would recommend the free online Kick Start Recovery Programme at sexaddictionhelp.co.uk.
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You would both benefit from sexual and relationship counselling.
Please contact the College of Sexual & Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635), which can help you connect with a counsellor.
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